Not My Will

Saturday 2/2/2013 6:51 AM

  During the course of the last week I spent a lot of time reflecting on the death of Wes Jordan, my math department colleague at Cerritos College.  I spend time praying for his wife, children and other extended family members but deep inside I am angry with God for allowing him to die.  He was a calming influence in our department, a peacemaker.  There are plenty of people in the department who want to rock the boat but so few who can get along, especially when things do not go their way.  Wes was one who could get along. 

In his book Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster writes, “What freedom corresponds to submission?  It is the ability to lay down the terrible burden of always needing to get our own way.  The obsession to demand that things go the way we want them to go is one of the greatest bondages in human society today.  People will spend weeks, months, even years in a perpetual stew because some little thing did not go as they wished.  They will fuss and fume.  They will get mad about it.  They will act as if their very life hangs on the issue.”  I wonder if my anger at God is the result of not having my own way with respect to Wes’ death?  When Tyler Verkaik died a few years ago I spent the better part of a year being angry with God.  My spiritual growth ground to a halt and I groused about, enjoying the funk I created and feeling justified in doing so.  I have a feeling I need to submit my will to the will of God and learn to trust him regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself.

At least I am in good company.  On the night before his death Jesus also prayed, “Not my will, but thine be done.”  Hopefully some day I will be able to adequately pray that same prayer.  I don’t think I’m there yet.