God's Work and Mine

Tuesday 2/28/2017 4:36 AM

Over the course of the year I have felt somewhat overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I feel I have no energy to act on anything. In the past, I’ve thought about becoming involved in movements that seek justice for those who are oppressed by our current system of government. At church I feel as if we need to become more involved in reaching our community and I’ve tried to use my position on the council to bring about that kind of change. At school I’ve tried to get to know some of my colleagues and students on a more personal level to establish deeper relationships with them. All of these noble aims require time and energy, and I currently feel as if I lack the energy to invest.

I do not like feeling this way. I have always had something to do. Just sitting around doing nothing seems pointless. I met a friend last Friday for coffee and, among other things; we discussed my resignation from the church council. After I explained why I was doing it his first question was, “What are you going to do now?” He was simply giving voice to the voice I hear in my own head. Somehow doing nothing seems wrong.

I think I need to pray this prayer of John Baillie from A Diary of Private Prayer. “I am content, O Father, to leave my life in Thy hands, believing that the very hairs upon my head are numbered by Thee. I am content to give over my will to Thy control, believing that I can find in Thee a righteousness that I could never have won for myself. I am content to leave all my dear ones to Thy care, believing that Thy love for them is greater than my own. I am content to leave in Thy hands the causes of truth and of justice, and the coming of Thy Kingdom in the hearts of [people], believing that my ardor for them is but a feeble shadow of Thy purpose.” This prayer is a great reminder that my personal sanctification, the care and keeping of those I love, issues of truth and justice, and the coming of the Kingdom of God into this world are the responsibility and in the domain of God, not me. While God uses his people to bring about his will in this world he does not rely solely upon me to accomplish his work.

My assigned scripture for today included 1 Peter 1:22, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” The acknowledgement that God is the one who brings about changes in the world does not absolve me from all responsibility but it does allow me to focus upon what my true responsibility is, to love others deeply, from the heart. Lord, increase my capacity to love others and empower me to act when it is required.

Spiritual Apathy

Saturday 2/11/2017 6:54 AM

I would describe my spiritual life over the course of the past year as one of spiritual apathy. I have had isolated moments of spiritual insight or direction but, overall, I feel like I have been meandering through life with little desire, or energy, to spend time praying, reading my Bible, or contemplating God’s will for my life.

The theme from my devotional materials this week is Choose Life, a fitting challenge given my current demeanor, to simply survive life. Jesus said that he came so that we may have life to the full. I feel more like I’m living my life while running on empty, hoping to make it to the next refueling station without running out of gas.

Part of my reading today included an excerpt from A Cry for Mercy, by Henri Nouwen, in which he describes an experience he had of hearing God’s voice while worshiping with other believers. He writes, “And you also said, ‘Pray even when you do not feel attracted to it.’ Yes, Lord, I will try to pray, even when I am afraid to face you and myself, even when I keep falling asleep or feel as though I am going around in circles, even when it seems that nothing is happening. Yes, Lord, I will pray – not only with others, not only supported by the rhythms of the choir, but also alone with you. I will try not to be afraid. Lord, give me courage and strength. Let me see myself in the light of your mercy and choose you.” The challenge to pray even when I don’t feel attracted to it is convicting. The description he gives of falling asleep, feeling as though he is going in circles, and the belief that nothing is happening also resonates strongly with me. The need for courage and strength is also mine today.

Part of me feels like I simply need to ride out this storm of doubt with the knowledge that God is riding it with me. Another part of me feels like I have a choice to make, to be content with my spiritual apathy or to pray and seek after God even when I do not feel attracted to it. I’m not sure I have the strength to choose to seek God. The good news is when I am weak, God is strong, and he has promised to never leave nor forsake me. He will be with me either way.

Moving on Down

Sunday 2/5/2017 5:22 AM

This past Friday I tendered my official resignation from the council at Bethany. Immediately I sensed a calmness come over me, and a lighter spirit. My assigned scripture included Psalm 32:6-8, “Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” Over the course of the past year I have struggled with a lot of things, the sum of which overwhelmed me. I felt very much like the waters of life were rising around me, and my ability to tread water was quickly deteriorating. God used the counsel of Jaci, of good friends, and of a professional counselor to help me see the necessity of removing that stressor from my life. I am grateful for the way he used these people to deliver me from my difficult situation.

Much of my frustration at church is because I feel that we, as a church body, are too focused on ourselves, and our needs and desires, rather than the needs of others in the community around us. James C. Fenhagen gives voice to my vision of what God calls us to be as a church community in his book Mutual Ministry. He writes,

The changes being demanded of us are almost beyond comprehension. For vast numbers of people living in the West – the world of the ‘haves’ – it will mean a total reorientation of life-styles. It will mean learning how to resist the urge to buy and the urge to eat, where submitting to those urges is our custom. It will mean discovering the simplicity which comes from an intentional life lived from inside out rather than from outside in. In the riches of the Christian tradition there are patterns for this kind of pursuit, easily adapted to present needs. To adopt them, however, will require not only assistance, but ongoing support. …

Ministries of caring, ministries on behalf of justice and reconciliation, ministries of witness, ministries of dialogue, ministries that bring Christian values to bear on the decision-making process of politics and business, ministries of support – all potentially stem from the local congregation, and when carried out with wisdom and compassion are signs of life. The congregation is mission. The congregation is also evangelistic. Both are essential to its very nature. In looking for signs of life I find myself immediately looking for how this sense of mission is being expressed, and by whom. Mission, be it explicit or implicit, is the primary task of the laity. It is a task that requires training and support, a task that is essential as we confront the chaos of a world faced with cataclysmic change. …

The point is that ministry is more than simply doing good. Ministry is an act performed in [God’s] name. Therefore, it is not something we do solely on our own, but something Christ does in us, through us, and with us. Ministry has been given to us. Our task is to uncover what is already present so that the ministry of the church might be carried out in all of its fullness. The ministry of the church is exercised by every man, woman, and child who bears the mark of baptism.

In my church I see more of a desire to maintain our lifestyle and, what we perceive to be, a position of superiority rather than reorienting our lifestyle and position to benefit others, especially if it requires any kind of self-sacrifice or giving up our position. We resist any suggestion to simplify our lives for the benefit of others. Instead, we suggest that others work as hard as we did so they can attain what we believe is a higher level without recognizing the advantage we had of being born into the predominant culture to families that encouraged us, taught us our values, and provided us with opportunities that led to our “success”. We view our pastors as people we hire to do the ministry rather than viewing ourselves as those tasked for ministry. We need to see our pastors as those who train us, who challenge us, and who provide opportunities for us to do ministry, not to do the ministry for us.

Given the current climate in our congregation this vision of self-sacrifice, of moving down so others can move up, seems like a pipedream that will not be realized any time soon without divine intervention. I will pray for that divine intervention and do what I can to effect change.