Monday 4/23/18 4:11 AM
Two nights ago, I had a dream in which I saw my gravestone with
the epitaph, “Mark Hugen, Warrior for Justice and Integrity.” Saturday night I had
a dream in which I was very awkwardly fighting against racial injustice. Last
night I remember no dream about injustice, but I opened my devotional book to a
new week this morning where the theme is commitment, and my assigned psalm is
Psalm 101. Imagine my surprise when the first two verses I read from the psalm
were, “I will sing of your love and justice; to you, Lord, I will sing praise. I
will be careful to lead a blameless life – when will you come to me? I will
conduct the affairs of my house with a blameless heart.” The two verses are
about justice and integrity.
My other assigned scripture was Mark 10:17-31, the story of
the rich young ruler who asked Jesus what he needed to do to inherit eternal
life. Jesus told him to sell all he had, give it to the poor, and follow him.
It says the young man left with a downcast face, unwilling to pay that price. My
readings also included and excerpt from Clinging
– The Experience of Prayer, by Emilie Griffin. She writes about abandonment
to God, that selling of everything to which Jesus was referring in his
conversation with the rich young ruler. “This abandonment is the very heart and
essence of Christian prayer, and it has nothing in common with strategy and
second-guessing. It is the pray-to-win mentality turned inside out, and yet it
is not a pray-to-lose mentality. It is the prayer that has moved beyond intending,
directing, steering, second-guessing God it is the dancer moving completely in
the rhythm of the partner, prayer that is utterly freeing because it is
completely at one. Utterly beyond asking, beyond the anger that rattles heaven’s
gate. Prayer that does not plead, wants nothing for itself but what God wants,
… able to act with a semblance of coherence and freedom even when completely surrendered
to and possessed by the loving will of God.”
This image of dancing with God, following his lead with no
agenda for myself or strategy is what I want. The closest I’ve ever come to
that is when I handed in my resignation to Valley Christian without having a
job at Cerritos College yet. During that time, I had a great deal of peace and
contentment even though I was jobless. I was literally waiting for God to show
me where to go and what to do. I’m not exactly sure how to experience that same
kind of contentment with this issue of righting injustice in the world. I feel
like making plans for a specific ministry is the equivalent of trying to
second-guess what God is doing or trying to direct or steer a ministry in the
direction I want it to go. I need to become so attached to God and in tune with
his will that, like a dancer, I feel the pressure of his hand on my back
steering me in the direction he would have me go and then feel the leading of
my hand in his and the gentle nudging of his shoulder against mine, so I can
follow his choreography as we dance together bringing his kingdom to fruition.
