Sunday 1/15/2012 4:56 AM
Friday night Jaci was going through a pile of papers and receipts that have accumulated over the past few months, trying to determine if they needed to be kept or if they could be thrown away. At one point she came across the recall notice for my motorcycle and she asked me if it needed to be kept. I told her I didn’t think it was necessary and then she asked if I was sure, not wanting to discard something that might be needed in the future. For some reason I snapped and responded inappropriately.
I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out what made me respond in such a harsh manner but I had a hard time putting my finger on it. My best guess is that I have had a sense of frustration over the past few months in trying to determine God’s direction for my life. It seems that each time I move in the direction in which I believe God is leading, a door closes and I have to go back to the drawing board. I have a feeling that this accumulated frustration, coupled with dissatisfaction in other areas of my life, precipitated my inappropriate outburst.
Last night Jaci and I went out for dinner and I apologized for my harsh words. I explained to her my best guess as to the reason for my behavior and told her I would try to keep it from happening again. On the way home she asked if I would help her put the seat on a chair that she had recently painted and reupholstered. She said it was a simple matter of attaching it with four screws. When we arrived home I got out four wood screws and my screwdriver to do the job only to find that it required one-quarter inch bolts, not screws. I measured the frame through which the bolts had to pass and determined that a two-inch length would be best. Since I didn’t have any in my garage I went to Lowe’s to pick some up. I came home, eager to finish the project only to find that the seat did not fit snugly onto the frame, but left a gap. So I had to return the two-inch bolts and I got some three-inch bolts instead. I came home and began to turn in the first bolt only to discover that the bolt was too long. Of course, I needed a two and one half-inch bolt instead. My frustration level climaxed, I felt my anger rising and I went to the bedroom quickly before I said or did something I might regret. As I sat in my room I felt like a complete failure and my internal voice began to proclaim it boldly.
Over the course of the last few days I have been reading John Ortberg’s book The Me I Want to Be. I am leading a small group discussion on the book at my church for the next few weeks and in preparation I have watched a DVD and read through the first six chapters of the book and various scriptures. The me I am right now is definitely not the me I want to be. In my devotions this week my psalm has been Psalm 29 and today when I read it I was drawn to the last verse. “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Lately my internal life has experienced little or no peace but I long for it to return. I was also assigned Psalm 37:8 as part of my reading, “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil.” I want to refrain from anger but when I feel like a failure, like I did last night, it seems like anger is the first emotion to surface.
It seems that the feelings of inadequacy and failure are always rearing their heads no matter what circumstances arise in my life. I want to feel competent and successful but, on the rare occasion when I experience them, those feelings are fleeting at best. My reading also included these words from 1 Corinthians 1:27-29, “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things – and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” Those words are comforting for me this morning as I sit here feeling weak, foolish and lowly. I must be really special to God today.
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