Impatience

Sunday 12/11/2011 4:48 AM

I know no one who likes to wait.  It seems to me that our modern western world teaches impatience, and I have learned the lesson well.  As an example, this morning I decided to purchase electronic version of the NIV Study Bible for my new Kindle Fire.  When I hit the purchase button on the screen a warning popped up reminding me that the download could take more time because of the size of the file.  The total time of download was less than a minute and yet I had to be reminded to be patient.

The first thing I read on my newly purchased NIV Bible included Psalm 5:3, “In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”  There is a big difference between the words expectantly and impatiently and I have a feeling that if I would have written Psalm 5 it would read, “…I lay my requests before you and wait impatiently.”  Over the course of the past few months I have wondered about God’s will for my life, now that my prison ministry has ended.  I have prayed that God would reveal it to me but he seems to be silent regarding anything specific.  This has caused a great deal of frustration for me.

In her book Poustinia Catherine de Hueck Doherty writes, “Thus, the hermit, the poustinik, learns to know God.  Not learn about him, but learn of God himself through God himself.  For in the tremendous silence into which this poustinik entered, God reveals himself to those who wait for that revelation and who don’t try to ‘tear at the hem of a mystery’ forcing disclosure.  Now the poustinik lies prostrated, waiting for God to explain, as God did to the disciples of Emmaus, whatever God want to explain to him.  All he knows is that his heart too will burn within him as did the hearts of those disciples.”  There is a sense in which I feel as if I am tearing at the hem of the mystery of God’s will for me and I want to force God to disclose it to me now.  I don’t want God to explain whatever he wants to explain whenever he wants to explain it; I want him to explain what I want to know…now!

I have little feeling of expectancy; eagerly anticipating God’s answer like a child anticipates Christmas or his birthday.  Instead, I have the feeling of impatience, tapping my toe and repeatedly looking at my watch while thinking about, and ruing, the “wasted” time that seems to be accumulating.  Lewis Smedes writes, “If you are discerning, you take your time.  You do not act until you catch an insight into what is going on in other people’s feelings, into what is really on people’s minds, into what people really need at the time.  You wait, you check your impulse to shoot from the hip, you do nothing, say nothing, until you have gotten a good sense of what the situation really calls for.”  And therein lies the problem.  I don’t really want to know what God is feeling or what is on his mind or what he needs from me; I want to act now.

This weekend Jaci and I took care of Trey and Quinn.  The difference between children and adults is that adults can delay gratification while a child is driven by impulse.  When a child doesn’t get their way they immediately throw a tantrum, cry, or mope about in an attempt to force their caregiver’s hand.  I obviously need to mature in my relationship with God.  It would seem that I am acting like a two-year old.