Self-made Prison

Saturday 2/19/2011 5:50 AM

This morning as I ran past the prison near my house I prayed for Chris, as I often do.  As I continued running the song Folsom Prison Blues, by Johnny Cash, came to my mind.  As I sang the words to the verses the Spirit reminded me of what I wrote yesterday about Lewis Smedes’ comments regarding undeserved shame, which is such a huge part of my life.  I feel as if nothing I do is ever good enough and I live with a constant feeling of inadequacy, regardless of what people say to me or what the evidence of reality reveals.  This results in a feeling of being imprisoned by the need to do better but an inability to achieve my own unrealistic expectations.

For some reason the words to Folsom Prison Blues resonated with me today.  “I hear the train a comin’, it’s rollin’ around the bend, and I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when.  I’m stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin’ on, but that train keeps a rollin’ on down to San Antone.”  The words about not seeing sunshine and dragging time made me think about the lack of joy in my life caused by never seeing myself as being good enough or doing a good enough job.  The train rolling to San Antonio caused me to think about the forceful advancement of the kingdom of God and how I miss out in participating in it when I’m stuck in my self-made prison.

The third verse made me think about others who are living with joy and moving on in their faith.  “I bet there’s rich folk eatin’ in a fancy dining car, they’re probably drinkin’ coffee and smokin’ big cigars.  Well, I know I had it comin’; I know I can’t be free; but those people keep a movin’ and that’s what tortures me.”  The feeling of unworthiness is echoed in the words, "I know I had it comin’, I know I can’t be free."  That sense of hopelessness that things will ever change is very discouraging to me.

As I was going through my assigned scripture during my devotional time this morning one of the readings was from 1 Chronicles 15.  When I saw it I thought it was 1 Corinthians 15 and I read that chapter by “accident.”  It ends with Paul’s attempt to describe the imperishable bodies we will have and compares them to the perishable bodies we now have.  He ends the chapter with hope-filled words, “When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true; ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’ … The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God!  He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”  Yesterday I asked my small group to hold me accountable to my commitment to change the negative inner voice that so often finds its way into my conversation with a positive one.  It seems like an impossible task but thankfully, because of the redeeming work of God through Jesus Christ, it’s not.  Johnny Cash describes it this way, “Well, if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine, I bet I’d move it on a little farther down the line.  Far from Folsom Prison, that’s where I want to stay, and I’d let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away.”  I do want to move far from the prison of what Smedes calls undeserved shame.  I pray that I will be able to accept the grace of God that has loosened the bonds that hold me and move a little farther down the line into the fullness of God’s kingdom of grace.