Distractions

Tuesday 3/22/2011 4:57 AM

Today I read Psalm 63, written by David when he was in the desert of Judah.  He speaks of earnestly seeking after God, thirsting for him, glorifying him, lifting up his hands in praise of him, remembering him throughout the night, singing in the shadows and clinging to him.  All of these actions suggest that David had a deeply intimate relationship with God.  When I am away from all the hustle and bustle of life, on retreat in the desert if you will, it is easier to foster that kind of intimacy and engage in deep reflection.  But as I sit here this morning my mind is preoccupied with the tests I need to correct before Wednesday, the lessons I have to teach today, the calls I need to make as an elder, the progress of our kitchen remodeling, the health of Jessica, Kate and their babies among other things.  When I get home from work in the evenings I sit down to relax and either turn on the television, go online or find some other distraction to disengage from my work-a-day world.

Modern society has done much to simplify the necessary jobs of finding food for one’s family and providing shelter, which produces more time for possible reflection on God’s love and provision for us.  Unfortunately I do not avail myself of the time for that purpose, filling the time instead with things that distract me from focusing on God.  I wonder if David’s psalms would even exist if he had lived in our modern world and western culture and, if so, what they would look like.  It seems to me that developing intimacy with God is much more difficult in today’s world and takes a more directed effort.

Grace-based Pride

Thursday 3/3/2011 4:36 AM

A couple of weeks ago I committed to change the inner voice I hear that tells me I am not good enough.  Over the past couple of weeks I have had a few times where I have been successful at this but the majority of the time I make some disparaging remark about myself.  The good news is that I recognize that I did it immediately afterward and see that I need to slow down my response time so I have a chance to think about what I will verbalize rather than simply reacting.

Today I read 2 Samuel 22:30, David’s response after successfully defeating the Philistines, “With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.”  Lewis Smedes makes some interesting observations that I should take to heart.  “A person who has experienced grace knows that what she is and what she has are gifts from God, so when she feels pride, she feels gratitude with the same impulse.  We could put the difference between graceless arrogance and grace-based pride this way: arrogance is pride without gratitude, while grace-given pride is nothing but gratitude.  A person with hubris thinks he is God.  A person with grace-based pride thanks his God.  Grace-based pride is a kind of elation, especially about something we have accomplished.  When we feel elation, we simply must share it; we have to show somebody what we have done so they can share our pride.”

Growing up I was always under the impression that pride was a bad thing and humility was to be sought out.  Verses like James 4:6, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble,” affirmed that point of view, so when I hear the phrase grace-based pride it seems oxymoronic.  The kind of elation described by Smedes is something I experience when I have accomplished something but I have always seen it as something negative instead of something positive.  Last week I received a copy of the article that will be printed in next month’s Math Teacher magazine.  I am proud of that accomplishment and I would like to share it with my colleagues and friends.  I recognize that the patterns I discovered, which generated the article, and the ability I had to discover the patterns were both made and given by God so I should be able to experience the grace-based pride Smedes describes.  But something inside me says that to mention it would be bragging and I would be trying to show off.  As a consequence I don’t say anything and I feel frustrated rather than elated.

David recognized that God gave him the ability to advance against a troop and to scale a wall and was also able to celebrate his accomplishments with others.  I would like to experience that same celebratory feeling without the tinge of guilt for being proud of what I have done.  However, the habits of a lifetime die hard.  My assigned reading today included Isaiah 58:8, a single verse removed from its context of what constitutes true fasting.  It says, “Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear.”  This morning God used that verse to give me hope that the light of God’s goodness will break forth in my life and that I can be healed from the feelings of frustration that are my constant companions to experience the elation of grace-based pride.

Self-made Prison

Saturday 2/19/2011 5:50 AM

This morning as I ran past the prison near my house I prayed for Chris, as I often do.  As I continued running the song Folsom Prison Blues, by Johnny Cash, came to my mind.  As I sang the words to the verses the Spirit reminded me of what I wrote yesterday about Lewis Smedes’ comments regarding undeserved shame, which is such a huge part of my life.  I feel as if nothing I do is ever good enough and I live with a constant feeling of inadequacy, regardless of what people say to me or what the evidence of reality reveals.  This results in a feeling of being imprisoned by the need to do better but an inability to achieve my own unrealistic expectations.

For some reason the words to Folsom Prison Blues resonated with me today.  “I hear the train a comin’, it’s rollin’ around the bend, and I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when.  I’m stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin’ on, but that train keeps a rollin’ on down to San Antone.”  The words about not seeing sunshine and dragging time made me think about the lack of joy in my life caused by never seeing myself as being good enough or doing a good enough job.  The train rolling to San Antonio caused me to think about the forceful advancement of the kingdom of God and how I miss out in participating in it when I’m stuck in my self-made prison.

The third verse made me think about others who are living with joy and moving on in their faith.  “I bet there’s rich folk eatin’ in a fancy dining car, they’re probably drinkin’ coffee and smokin’ big cigars.  Well, I know I had it comin’; I know I can’t be free; but those people keep a movin’ and that’s what tortures me.”  The feeling of unworthiness is echoed in the words, "I know I had it comin’, I know I can’t be free."  That sense of hopelessness that things will ever change is very discouraging to me.

As I was going through my assigned scripture during my devotional time this morning one of the readings was from 1 Chronicles 15.  When I saw it I thought it was 1 Corinthians 15 and I read that chapter by “accident.”  It ends with Paul’s attempt to describe the imperishable bodies we will have and compares them to the perishable bodies we now have.  He ends the chapter with hope-filled words, “When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true; ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’ … The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God!  He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”  Yesterday I asked my small group to hold me accountable to my commitment to change the negative inner voice that so often finds its way into my conversation with a positive one.  It seems like an impossible task but thankfully, because of the redeeming work of God through Jesus Christ, it’s not.  Johnny Cash describes it this way, “Well, if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine, I bet I’d move it on a little farther down the line.  Far from Folsom Prison, that’s where I want to stay, and I’d let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away.”  I do want to move far from the prison of what Smedes calls undeserved shame.  I pray that I will be able to accept the grace of God that has loosened the bonds that hold me and move a little farther down the line into the fullness of God’s kingdom of grace.

Good and Evil

Wednesday 1/26/2011 3:10 AM

In his book Days of Grace Through the Year Lewis Smedes writes, “We would not hope for goodness if we did not know evil.  We would live in the illusion that the way things are is the way they are supposed to be.  And we would feel no need to hope that they could ever get to be the way they are supposed to be.”

When I taught at Valley Christian I had a warped view of the way the world was.  I assumed everyone had a life similar to mine, with a relatively healthy marriage and healthy family relationships.  I now know that such a life is very rare, with most people experiencing dysfunctional familial relationships or a family that has been ripped apart by divorce, addictive behaviors or both.  Smedes states that I would not hope for good if I didn’t know evil but I think it is also true that people would continue to live without hope if they never knew good.

The Bible says that those with a relationship with God are the light of the world.  We are to show the world the way it should and could be through the way we conduct our lives.  How disconcerting that divorce rates and addictions are just as prevalent in the Christian community as they are in society at large.  It is no wonder then that many live their lives without hope.  Romans 10:14 says, “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in?  And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?”  God understands that man’s deepest need is to love and to be loved.  Jesus came to show how we could live our lives to the fullest by loving God and loving others.  He then commissioned his followers to do the same.  Lord, help me to live in such a way that I am a beacon of hope rather than one who contributes to the darkness that is so prevalent in the world.

Chris and Christ

Wednesday 1/19/2011 4:02 AM

The message of hope I received yesterday was reinforced today.  It began with God’s word to Zerubbabel in Zechariah 4:6, “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit; says the Lord Almighty.”  I want to see immediate results from my efforts so when I enter a ministry to which I believe God has called me I begin working, fully expecting miraculous results because of my obedience.  What usually happens is I see very little fruit and I begin to doubt if I actually heard the call of God or something else.

My prison ministry is a good example.  I felt God’s call, pursued the ministry, got permission to participate and started visiting Chris.  I have been meeting with him for over seven months now and when I visit him we simply play cribbage and engage in small talk.  I want to bring him to faith and inspire him to turn from the life that brought him to prison and live a life of meaning and purpose.  The other day I expressed my true feelings of anger toward God for not allowing me to see any progress to that end.  I said, “I thought you were calling me to this ministry and I obeyed your call.  And now, after over six months of relationship we are only playing cribbage.  Really?  It seems like a complete waste of my time.”

My reading today also includes 2 Corinthians 4:7-8, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; …”  Perhaps God does not allow me to see results because, if I did, I would think it was all because of my commitment and efforts and not because of God’s power.  But, if that were the case, what is the point in calling me to the ministry to begin with?  The passage above says that we are “perplexed, but not in despair.”  That pretty well describes my frame of mind at the moment although it might better be described as perplexed, leaning toward despair.  I really need to remember the verse from Zechariah quoted above and remember that my efforts and my ministry are really worthless without the power of God’s Spirit.  It is trusting God’s Spirit to do the work, without seeing any evidence of its work, that is difficult for me.

I wrote about my relationship with Chris both Monday and today.  Each time I typed his name I accidently wrote Christ instead of Chris because of the fact that I regularly type the word Christ in my journal.  The sentence I wrote above takes a whole new perspective when my “mistake” is left uncorrected.  “I felt God’s call, pursued the ministry, got permission to participate and started visiting Christ.”  In the parable of the sheep and goats in Matthew 25 Jesus says that when we visit those in prison we are visiting him.  Maybe my role is not to bring Chris to faith and to inspire him to great things.  It might be that he needs to be shown the love and concern of God.  God visits me when I run and when I work in my yard.  Evidently he likes to play cribbage too.

Hope in Hopelessness

Monday 1/10/2011 4:38 AM

Today begins a new semester.  I woke at three different times throughout the night but I did not have the normal anxiety that accompanies the beginning of a new semester.  I’m not sure why but it seems like this break between semesters was even more restful and relaxing than most.  I have enjoyed the company of my children and grandchildren and they have reminded me again of the great blessing God has afforded me in the gift of my family relationships.

It seems that the majority of my students are not given the same blessing, many of whom come from families that are either broken by divorce, dysfunctional or both.  Yesterday at worship my pastor reminded us of the hope we have in Christ and the responsibility we have to live out that hope for the world to see.  Today I again have that privilege as I interact with my students.

Yesterday I wrote about the attempted assassination of an Arizona congresswoman and others who were wounded and killed in the shooting.  Sometimes when I look at the lives of my students and the tragic events that occur throughout the world it easy to become distraught and give up hope.  Today my assigned reading included 2 Kings 6, the passage where the king of Aram wants to capture Elisha because he is notifying the king of Israel of the Aramean army’s position.  He sends a sizeable troop to get Elisha and Elisha’s servant becomes distraught, seeing this great force surrounding the city.  Elisha comforts his servant with the words of verse 16, “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”  He then prays that God will open the eyes of his servant who sees the hills around Elisha filled with horses and chariots of fire.  Even when faced with the direst circumstances, the power of God surpasses the power of this world.  Elisha prays to God and eventually leads this force, bent on evil, to Samaria, the capital city of Israel.  The king of Israel asks Elisha if he should kill these enemy combatants but Elisha tells him to feed them and give them something to drink.  The result was the withdrawal of the enemy’s army and peace came to Israel.

In our world today it seems that the “Christian” political right wants to fight against the political left and the political arena has become filled with vitriol and hatred, as both sides hurl their accusations against the other side.  As a country, our reaction to being attacked on 9/11 was to attempt to destroy the enemy by dropping bombs and invading countries.  This results in a political environment that is toxic, where no one is trustworthy and a world torn by strife where billions of dollars are spent to destroy others.  I believe we should remind ourselves of Paul’s observation in Ephesians 6, that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

As Christians we need to concern ourselves with truth, righteousness, peace and love.  Paul also reminds us in Romans 12:20-21, “‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”  This way of living worked for Elisha and the Israelites and I think it will work today too.

Brokenness

Thursday 1/6/2011 6:13 AM

Today my reading included Isaiah 24, a sobering chapter if there ever was one, describing the devastation of the earth.  Verses 2-3 describe its indiscriminate nature; “…it will be the same for priest as for people, for master as for servant, for mistress as for maid, for seller as for buyer, for borrower as for lender, for debtor as for creditor.  The earth will be completely laid waste and totally plundered.”  Verses 4-5 and 10 could describe the world today and the city in which I live.  “The earth dries up and withers, the world languishes and withers, the exalted of the earth languish.  The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant. … The ruined city lies desolate; the entrance to every house is barred.”

When I was in Phoenix last month my mom was considering the possibility of getting a security door installed.  Lately the neighborhood in which she lives has encountered more crime and violence and she doesn’t feel as safe as she once did, fearing someone will knock the front door down when she answers it and invade her home.  In our area many homes have bars on the windows for the same reason.  That kind of behavior seems to be accurately described by Isaiah.  This past summer there was a major oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and millions of gallons of crude oil gushed into the water and washed up on local beaches and marshes.  The polluted environment killed thousands of animals.  Isaiah describes is as the people of the earth defiling it. 

Joel 2:28 is also part of my reading today.  God promises the following: “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people.  Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.”  I wondered about the difference between seeing visions and dreaming dreams.  I think that when I was younger I had dreams of the way things should be and the hope that with some hard work on my part those dreams could come true.  As I age I think that I still have dreams of the way things should be but I have given up hope that anything that I, or mankind in general, can do will ever help those dreams come true.  I now find that I dream and pray that God will come quickly to reconcile his creation to himself to bring the peace and harmony for which I long so deeply.