Great Things Become Nothing

Thursday 3/2/2017 4:30 AM

Lately everything seems overwhelming to me. Even something as simple as grading a set of quizzes or washing the dishes seems like too much. I no longer run consistently and my devotional life, that once seemed as if I were immersed in a rushing torrent of God’s love and presence, has dwindled to a mere trickle.

Part of the problem with ignoring my time of meditating on God is that I am no longer reminded of who God is and what he has done. My confidence in the ability of God to rule over his creation is replaced with a sense of dread that I am responsible for everything, but have no power to act. My assigned psalm for the week is Psalm 66, which contains many reminders of God’s power and greatness. “Come and see what God has done, … He turned the sea into dry land, … He rules forever by his power, his eyes watch the nations, … He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; … You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.”

At the moment I feel as if I have burdens on my back, that I am going through fire and water, and that my feet are slipping. It is good to be reminded of the fact that God will preserve me and eventually bring me to a place of abundance. I also read a portion of Love is for Living, by Carlo Carretto. His words provide a good perspective for me, and for anyone who feels overwhelmed by the enormity of the circumstances of life. “Everything disappears in comparison with the eternal God, and the greatest things become as nothing.” I pray for eyes to see and the ability to experience the truth of that statement.

God's Work and Mine

Tuesday 2/28/2017 4:36 AM

Over the course of the year I have felt somewhat overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I feel I have no energy to act on anything. In the past, I’ve thought about becoming involved in movements that seek justice for those who are oppressed by our current system of government. At church I feel as if we need to become more involved in reaching our community and I’ve tried to use my position on the council to bring about that kind of change. At school I’ve tried to get to know some of my colleagues and students on a more personal level to establish deeper relationships with them. All of these noble aims require time and energy, and I currently feel as if I lack the energy to invest.

I do not like feeling this way. I have always had something to do. Just sitting around doing nothing seems pointless. I met a friend last Friday for coffee and, among other things; we discussed my resignation from the church council. After I explained why I was doing it his first question was, “What are you going to do now?” He was simply giving voice to the voice I hear in my own head. Somehow doing nothing seems wrong.

I think I need to pray this prayer of John Baillie from A Diary of Private Prayer. “I am content, O Father, to leave my life in Thy hands, believing that the very hairs upon my head are numbered by Thee. I am content to give over my will to Thy control, believing that I can find in Thee a righteousness that I could never have won for myself. I am content to leave all my dear ones to Thy care, believing that Thy love for them is greater than my own. I am content to leave in Thy hands the causes of truth and of justice, and the coming of Thy Kingdom in the hearts of [people], believing that my ardor for them is but a feeble shadow of Thy purpose.” This prayer is a great reminder that my personal sanctification, the care and keeping of those I love, issues of truth and justice, and the coming of the Kingdom of God into this world are the responsibility and in the domain of God, not me. While God uses his people to bring about his will in this world he does not rely solely upon me to accomplish his work.

My assigned scripture for today included 1 Peter 1:22, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” The acknowledgement that God is the one who brings about changes in the world does not absolve me from all responsibility but it does allow me to focus upon what my true responsibility is, to love others deeply, from the heart. Lord, increase my capacity to love others and empower me to act when it is required.

Spiritual Apathy

Saturday 2/11/2017 6:54 AM

I would describe my spiritual life over the course of the past year as one of spiritual apathy. I have had isolated moments of spiritual insight or direction but, overall, I feel like I have been meandering through life with little desire, or energy, to spend time praying, reading my Bible, or contemplating God’s will for my life.

The theme from my devotional materials this week is Choose Life, a fitting challenge given my current demeanor, to simply survive life. Jesus said that he came so that we may have life to the full. I feel more like I’m living my life while running on empty, hoping to make it to the next refueling station without running out of gas.

Part of my reading today included an excerpt from A Cry for Mercy, by Henri Nouwen, in which he describes an experience he had of hearing God’s voice while worshiping with other believers. He writes, “And you also said, ‘Pray even when you do not feel attracted to it.’ Yes, Lord, I will try to pray, even when I am afraid to face you and myself, even when I keep falling asleep or feel as though I am going around in circles, even when it seems that nothing is happening. Yes, Lord, I will pray – not only with others, not only supported by the rhythms of the choir, but also alone with you. I will try not to be afraid. Lord, give me courage and strength. Let me see myself in the light of your mercy and choose you.” The challenge to pray even when I don’t feel attracted to it is convicting. The description he gives of falling asleep, feeling as though he is going in circles, and the belief that nothing is happening also resonates strongly with me. The need for courage and strength is also mine today.

Part of me feels like I simply need to ride out this storm of doubt with the knowledge that God is riding it with me. Another part of me feels like I have a choice to make, to be content with my spiritual apathy or to pray and seek after God even when I do not feel attracted to it. I’m not sure I have the strength to choose to seek God. The good news is when I am weak, God is strong, and he has promised to never leave nor forsake me. He will be with me either way.

Moving on Down

Sunday 2/5/2017 5:22 AM

This past Friday I tendered my official resignation from the council at Bethany. Immediately I sensed a calmness come over me, and a lighter spirit. My assigned scripture included Psalm 32:6-8, “Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” Over the course of the past year I have struggled with a lot of things, the sum of which overwhelmed me. I felt very much like the waters of life were rising around me, and my ability to tread water was quickly deteriorating. God used the counsel of Jaci, of good friends, and of a professional counselor to help me see the necessity of removing that stressor from my life. I am grateful for the way he used these people to deliver me from my difficult situation.

Much of my frustration at church is because I feel that we, as a church body, are too focused on ourselves, and our needs and desires, rather than the needs of others in the community around us. James C. Fenhagen gives voice to my vision of what God calls us to be as a church community in his book Mutual Ministry. He writes,

The changes being demanded of us are almost beyond comprehension. For vast numbers of people living in the West – the world of the ‘haves’ – it will mean a total reorientation of life-styles. It will mean learning how to resist the urge to buy and the urge to eat, where submitting to those urges is our custom. It will mean discovering the simplicity which comes from an intentional life lived from inside out rather than from outside in. In the riches of the Christian tradition there are patterns for this kind of pursuit, easily adapted to present needs. To adopt them, however, will require not only assistance, but ongoing support. …

Ministries of caring, ministries on behalf of justice and reconciliation, ministries of witness, ministries of dialogue, ministries that bring Christian values to bear on the decision-making process of politics and business, ministries of support – all potentially stem from the local congregation, and when carried out with wisdom and compassion are signs of life. The congregation is mission. The congregation is also evangelistic. Both are essential to its very nature. In looking for signs of life I find myself immediately looking for how this sense of mission is being expressed, and by whom. Mission, be it explicit or implicit, is the primary task of the laity. It is a task that requires training and support, a task that is essential as we confront the chaos of a world faced with cataclysmic change. …

The point is that ministry is more than simply doing good. Ministry is an act performed in [God’s] name. Therefore, it is not something we do solely on our own, but something Christ does in us, through us, and with us. Ministry has been given to us. Our task is to uncover what is already present so that the ministry of the church might be carried out in all of its fullness. The ministry of the church is exercised by every man, woman, and child who bears the mark of baptism.

In my church I see more of a desire to maintain our lifestyle and, what we perceive to be, a position of superiority rather than reorienting our lifestyle and position to benefit others, especially if it requires any kind of self-sacrifice or giving up our position. We resist any suggestion to simplify our lives for the benefit of others. Instead, we suggest that others work as hard as we did so they can attain what we believe is a higher level without recognizing the advantage we had of being born into the predominant culture to families that encouraged us, taught us our values, and provided us with opportunities that led to our “success”. We view our pastors as people we hire to do the ministry rather than viewing ourselves as those tasked for ministry. We need to see our pastors as those who train us, who challenge us, and who provide opportunities for us to do ministry, not to do the ministry for us.

Given the current climate in our congregation this vision of self-sacrifice, of moving down so others can move up, seems like a pipedream that will not be realized any time soon without divine intervention. I will pray for that divine intervention and do what I can to effect change.

Dumbo

Sunday 1/29/2017 5:17 AM

Today my scripture reading seemed dominated by the theme of peace, something that has been absent from my life and mind over the course of the past year or so. I long for the absence of strife in the world and, more importantly, within the body of Christ, so we can model the kingdom values of Christ to our broken world.

Much of the angst I feel personally is driven by strife within my church. We are attempting to be a church that reaches out to our community but there is resistance to that idea by some who want to keep things the way they have always been. It is more comfortable to deal with the familiar than to move into unchartered territory. Today I read an excerpt from Opening the Bible, by Thomas Merton. He writes, “There is, in a word, nothing comfortable about the Bible – until we manage to get so used to it that we make it comfortable for ourselves. But then we are perhaps too used to it and too at home in it. Let us not be too sure we know the Bible … just because we have learned not to have problems with it. Have we perhaps learned … not to really pay attention to it? Have we ceased to question the book and be questioned by it?”

I wonder how many within our church see the Bible as being uncomfortable. We like to quote verses about the peace and joy we can experience in the presence of God but we also like to ignore the calls to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, to seek after justice while walking in humility before God or, heaven forbid that we should give up our own rights for the good of others or to love our enemies by doing good to them. As a whole, we prefer the bubble of familiarity with like-minded people compared to the uncertainty of confronting or interacting with those who think, and live, differently from us.
I believe God wants us to experience life fully and to do that we must live with abandon. If life were Disneyland, I believe God would want us to enjoy the heart-stopping thrill of California Screamin’, a rollercoaster that goes upside-down and in corkscrews, rather than the safety of Dumbo the Flying Elephant, that travels slowly, and in circles. There are times I feel like we are on Dumbo.

Green Pastures

Monday 12/19/2016 6:35 AM

I have not watered my front lawn for nearly two years due to the drought in California. My once manicured lawn has died and the ground is hard and barren with a few clumps of brown Bermuda grass trying to cling to life. A few weeks ago we received our first rain of the new season and this past week we received over half an inch, a welcome relief from the dryness. When I went to bring out the trash the other day I noticed the ground has softened, the barren spots are beginning to green up with baby shoots of winter rye grass and the Bermuda clumps are showing signs of life.

My lawn mirrors my spiritual life right now. Over the course of the past few months I have not watered my soul by spending time reading the Bible, contemplating what it is saying to me, and reflecting on how I can best live out my faith as I go about my daily routine. The near death of my nephew last winter, the grave infections my brother-in-law fought in the spring, and the declining health and eventual death of my mom throughout the summer and the fall did a number on me and I could not bring myself to read the Bible, or even to pray. Like my lawn, my soul is hard and barren, with just a few clumps of faith trying to cling on to hope.

This morning I opened my devotional material for the first time in over two weeks. My assigned reading included Psalm 65:9-12, “You care for the land and water it; you enrich it abundantly. The streams of God are filled with water to provide the people with grain, for so you ordained it. You drench its furrows and level its ridges; you soften it with showers and bless its crops. You crown the year with your bounty, and your carts overflow with abundance. The grasslands of the wilderness overflow; the hills are clothed with gladness.” The image of God sending rain to soften the ground and the image of the wilderness becoming an overflowing grassland reminded me of my front lawn being softened and greened up by the recent rains. My assigned reading also included James 5:7-8, “Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.” This gives me hope that God will shower me with his gentle love to drench my furrowed soul, to level the wall-like ridges I have built, and to soften my hardened heart. That gentle love of God can come through the words of scripture, like it did this morning, or it can be transmitted through the loving words and actions of the people with whom I interact. More often than not it is through people, the loving intimacy of close friends and the kindness of complete strangers.

This dry time in my life has caused me to question the genuineness of my relationship with God. Was the intimacy I have experienced in the past merely a figment of my imagination, a human construct for a feeble mind, as some would suggest? Does the fact that I have no desire to even read the Bible or pray indicate that my faith is useless in times of trial? Does it disappear when I need it most? Thoughts like these have pelted me like hailstones over the past weeks. This morning the writing of Maria Boulding in her book, The Coming of God, brought me hope. She writes, “If you want God, and long for union with him, yet sometimes wonder what that means or whether it can mean anything at all, you are already walking with the God who comes. If you are at times so weary and involved with the struggle of living that you have no strength even to want [God], yet are still dissatisfied that you don’t, you are already keeping Advent in your life. If you have ever had an obscure intuition that the truth of things is somehow better, greater, more wonderful than you deserve or desire, that the touch of God in your life stills you by its gentleness, that there is a mercy beyond anything you could ever suspect, you are already drawn into the central mystery of salvation.”

This holiday season is one that exudes joy and happiness for many, but that is not the case for me this year. I have a feeling there are many others like me who are struggling with what life has dealt them throughout this year. Their lives may be as hard and barren as mine. Will I be someone who sucks whatever tiny hope of life that remains out of them or will I be the love of God for them, someone who is a gentle rain in their lives, softening the hard ground, drenching their furrowed ground, and causing the barren dryness to become a green pasture that sustains them in the struggle? I pray that, just as people have encouraged me during my struggle, I can be a purveyor of green pastures.

Santa Ana Winds

Saturday 12/3/2016 5:51 AM

We are currently experiencing the Santa Ana winds that occasionally blow in the Los Angeles basin. Yesterday there were numerous reports of downed trees and power lines throughout the area, causing extensive damage to property and generally disrupting people’s normal routines. When the winds occur in the summer months they are accompanied by high temperatures and are the perfect combination for wildfires. But, this morning when I ran, the temperature was 48 and the winds made it seem even colder.

The past few months have been a dark time for me. God seems distant to me and I have withdrawn in many areas of my life. I am doing what needs to be done at school but my heart doesn’t seem to be in it like it usually is. In my position of leadership at church I have also withdrawn, skipping meetings and disengaging during times of worship. Any service I give is done grudgingly and without enthusiasm. I feel distant from Jaci and don’t seem to have any energy to spend in trying to close that gap. Overall I feel a deep sadness that permeates every area of my life. I feel chilled, with the Santa Ana winds of life swirling around me, knocking down the power lines that usually energize me.

I’m pretty sure my feelings of sadness are caused by the difficult circumstances that have beset those I love this past year. My nephew Derek’s near death this past winter, my brother-in-law Stan’s serious health problems with the infection in his hip and pacemaker, and my mom’s deteriorating health and eventual death have all adversely affected me. I have a feeling it is going to be a while before I get back to normal.

My assigned psalm for the week is Psalm 62. Verse 3 is a good description of the way I feel, “How long will you assault me? Would all of you throw me down – this leaning wall, this tottering fence?” It seems like only a matter of time that my fence will topple because of the winds that are blowing. But my reading also included Isaiah 51:3, “The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.” This gives me hope that even if the circumstances of life assail me and knock me down, God’s love will eventually restore me and bring back the joy and gladness for which I yearn.