Tottering Faith

Tuesday 12/19/2017 6:49 AM

Psalm 62 begins with a statement of fact: “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” That all sounds nice and pretty but it seems that David is brought back to reality in a big hurry when you read the following verses in which he talks about being assaulted and being thrown down and describes himself as a leaning wall and a tottering fence.

That sequence can play itself out regularly in my life. When I attend a Sunday worship service or perhaps, a retreat, it is easy to get caught up in the emotions of it all, assured of my faith and confident that I will not be shaken. Then, when the week begins or I come down from the mountaintop high of the retreat, the assaults of life resume the assurance and confidence I had earlier dissolve into the doubt and uncertainty of a leaning wall and tottering fence.

David doesn’t continue wallowing around in doubt and uncertainty. In the next verses he recalls the fact he stated earlier and restates it as an imperative, “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

As I read Psalm 62 this morning I began wondering if something was going to happen soon that would assault my faith and make me doubt God’s goodness. Then I realized that the big catastrophes of life are not always the things that bring doubt. It is often the stresses of my regular routine: work, family life, and social interactions that assail me the most. I would do well to heed David’s example and regularly tell myself, “Find rest in God, your hope comes from him. Trust God. Pour your heart out to God for he is your rock and your refuge.”

Inaction in Action

Thursday 12/14/2017 4:25 AM

In my journal last week I wrote about my lack of action in trying to correct either the blatant or subtle injustices that are evident in our society. I often become aware of policies or practices that are unjust but seldom, if ever, do anything to change them.

In his book Alive in Christ, Maxie Dunnam writes of a conversation he once had with Metropolitan Bloom. “At one point we were talking about the connection between contemplation and action, and I asked Metropolitan Bloom to define contemplation. He responded, ‘Well I think this is where contemplation begins. Sit and listen – in religious terms it may be called waiting on God – but it’s simply listening or looking in order to hear and to understand. If we did that with regard to the Word of God, with regard to the prayers of the saints, with regard to the situations in which we are, to everything people say to us or what they are in life, with regard to our own selves – we would be in that condition which one can call contemplation, which consists in pondering, thinking deeply, in waiting until one has understood in order to act. Then action would be much more efficient, less hasty, and filled, probably, with some amount of the Divine Wisdom.’”

It seems that Bloom suggests that contemplation will lead to action at some point. I get stuck in the contemplation, pondering, and thinking deeply part. Over time I usually have a sense of the action I need to take but lack the courage or the will to act. The times I have obeyed God’s call and acted have resulted in great blessing but I am too often afraid of the negative consequences that may accompany my action. I need to be more trusting of God’s care for me.

Darkness and Quiet

Tuesday 12/12/2017 4:51 AM

Today is my last day of exams for this semester. Along with the last day of the semester comes the grading of exams, posting final grades, and then begin planning for the new semester beginning in three short weeks. I hope to finish writing my syllabi, planning my lecture and homework schedules, and making my lesson plans for the first week of the new semester within the next week or two so I can really have a relaxing time when Ryan and Kate and their kids come for Christmas. I’m teaching multivariable calculus again next semester and I have some new ideas to try out so the work for that class will be a little more intense.

As the years pass the time seems to move more quickly and technologies and teaching methods change while my energy level and stamina seems to diminish. The combination of those two things leaves me feeling more overwhelmed and intimidated with each new semester. I find that I need to be more intentional in my planning and more disciplined in doing my work or time slips away and I end up flying by the seat of my pants. I’m not a big fan of change. I prefer things to be the same as they’ve always been.

My relationship with God also goes through times of change. Sometimes I feel as if God is really moving in my life while at other times my relationship with God stagnates. Maria Boulding describes this process in her book, The Coming of God. She writes, “For those who pray regularly the time may come fairly soon when particular thought or words no long seem to help. Prayer seems to have gone dead. The relationship is moving into a new phase, and you have to change gear. At other times you may be able to find as much inspiration as ever in the Scriptures, in thinking about God and in the experiences that generally mediate his word to you, but when you try any of this in the time of prayer, you have the impression that this and real prayer are mutually exclusive. … Provided that you are refusing God nothing, you can probably trust the inclination to let it ride a bit. Wait in silence, attentiveness, stillness, just aware of God in some dim way and of your need of [God], but without particular efforts to formulate ideas or words, except perhaps just to bring yourself gently back when you stray. It is baffling and disconcerting, but in some way all-important to you to stay there like that in darkness and quiet.”

Just like in my teaching, I do not like change in my relationship with God. I am a creature of habit and routine and when my normal routine of spending time with God no longer seems to be effective in hearing from God I find it disconcerting. Maria Boulding suggests it is important for me to stay in the darkness and quiet. I would prefer not to do so.

Others

Thursday 11/23/2017 6:18 AM

Today is Thanksgiving Day. Throughout the day people will be acknowledging things for which they are thankful. Family, friends, good health, and other such things often top the list. In my experience the things for which I am most thankful are things that benefit me, that make my life richer. Today I read Psalm 4 for the fourth time this week and I saw something in verse 7 that gave me a different perspective. In the preceding verse David asked, “Who will bring us prosperity?” He then asks God to let his face shine upon him followed by this request, “Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound.” (Emphasis mine) David is asking for a joyful heart when others are prospering and doing well.

We live in a society where the individual is revered. Individuals within our society either accept or reject policies by answering the question, “What’s in it for me?” If there is a program that costs me something I am against it, even if it benefits another segment of society. If I benefit, I’m for it, even if it is to the detriment of others. We vote for, and support, things that enrich our lives, often without considering the effect on society at large.

How different our society would be if we would be happy and filled with joy and thanksgiving when others prospered instead of only ourselves. That is the kind of life David desired and that is the kind of life Jesus lived here on earth. Philippians 2:3-4 is a good reminder today. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Leaving a Charmed Life

Wednesday 11/22/2017 4:45 AM

I have always felt as if I have led a charmed life. Other than the death of my dad when I was thirteen I have had a great life. I have enjoyed good physical and mental health throughout my lifetime. I met, and married, a wonderful woman. I have three children who were healthy throughout their lives. I have healthy relationships with them and with their spouses. I have eight grandchildren with two more on the way and also have healthy relationships with them. I have been gainfully employed as a teacher for my entire life, working for only two different schools.

When I look at the lives of others around me it seems that many are beset by trouble and calamity at nearly every turn. Their lives seem diametrically opposed to mine. Today I read a quote from The Saviors of God, by Nikos Kazantzakis that makes me see things from a different point of view. He writes, “Everyone has a particular road which leads … to liberation – one the road of virtue, another the road of evil. If the road leading you to your liberation is that of disease, of lies, of dishonor, it is then your duty to plunge into disease, into lies, into dishonor, that you may conquer them. You may not otherwise be saved. If the road which leads you to your liberation is the road of virtue, of joy, of truth, it is then you duty to plunge into virtue, into joy, into truth, that you may conquer them and leave them behind you. You may not otherwise be saved.”

It has always seemed clear to me that someone stuck in a life of disease, lies, and dishonor should conquer that life, to leave it behind and, thus, be liberated. In my mind, when you leave that life you enter a life of virtue, joy, and truth and are liberated from all the things that cause the pain. What I find interesting is those on the road of virtue, joy, and truth, are also encouraged to conquer that life, to leave it behind and, thus, be liberated.

I have always seen my charmed life as something to be coveted and something for which to strive. The danger is that I see my charmed life as a consequence of my own efforts and I become jaded toward those suffering the evils of life. It seems natural to adopt a superior attitude toward others, thinking that if they only did things my way their lives would be different.

Lord, forgive me for my attitude of superiority. Give me the grace to leave my charmed life and to empathize with others, showing them the nature of the God who loves them as much as you love me.

Shaken Confidence

Monday 11/20/2017 5:03 AM

When I was younger I thought I had a lot of things figured out. I believed that as I matured in life, and in my faith, things that I didn’t have figured out would come into focus and I would become more knowledgeable about God and the things of God. Boy, was I wrong! It seems that rather than having more knowledge and understanding I am questioning even the things I thought I had figured out. What I thought were simple, black and white issues have become colored with varying shades of gray and the simple answers no longer satisfy the complicated questions.

I find that I often disagree with those in the broader Christian community regarding many issues regarding society and the Christian’s role in seeking the kingdom of God here on earth. This has resulted in my questioning my faith and my own relationship with God. I sometimes despair and wonder if I have wandered from the path that leads to God.

The first verse of John Pratt Green’s hymn When Our Confidence is Shaken provides some hope that God may still be working with me.

When our confidence is shaken

In beliefs we thought secure,

When the spirit in its sickness

Seeks but cannot find a cure,

God is active in the tensions
Of a faith not yet mature.

Stability or Balance?

Friday 11/17/2017 6:08 AM

I read an excerpt from Living with Contradiction, by Esther de Waal, today. “What I am looking for is some sort of balance in my life – a balance ‘so delicate, so risky, so creative’, as Maria Boulding puts it, that she likens it to a bird in flight, a dancer in motion.”

I’m looking for balance in my life too, but I think I don’t think it’s the same kind of balance she is looking for. My kind of balance could better be described by the word stability. I have a plastic bird in my office that has a center of mass at the tip of its beak. It balances on its beak on a small pedestal and teeters, swaying with every passing waft of air but never falling off the pedestal. That feeling like you might fall at any minute is not one that I appreciate. I like to have both feet on the ground, standing firmly planted so nothing moves me.

The problem with stability is that when the ground shifts underneath, the stable structure can topple and fall, evidenced by buildings during an earthquake. The balancing bird would remain on its pedestal while swaying with the motion of the ground.

I desire stability. God knows that balance is better for me. Life can be chaotic and extremely unstable. When I live with balance I will never fall. I’ll simply bob and sway in the chaos.

No Worries

Friday 10/13/2017 6:45 AM

Over the course of the past month or so different parts of world have experienced many natural and manmade disasters. Hurricanes Harvey and Maria devastated Texas, many Caribbean islands, and Florida, there was a mass shooting by a terrorist in Las Vegas, bombings in the Middle East, an earthquake in Mexico, and wildfires in California. Each disaster brought with it terror, devastation, and loss of life. There are stories of miraculous survival and also those of tragic loss. In addition to these disasters North Korea has been testing intercontinental ballistic missiles and they have detonated a hydrogen bomb while the presidents of the two countries wage a war of words that suggests nuclear war. If news sources are to be believed we need to live in fear of what may happen next.

What a welcome change it was to read Psalm 3:3-6 this morning. They provide a different perspective to that of the local and national news. “But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the one who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.”

I do not believe that just because I believe in God he will keep everything bad from happening to me but I do believe that God provides for what I need regardless of what happens. In spite of what comes my way God will sustain me in and through it using the unlimited resources he has available. That allows me to sleep at night without worry in a world beset with trouble.

Foolishness and Wisdom

Sunday 9/24/2017 5:38 AM

Lately it seems like all rational thought and common sense has left our society. Civility is no longer exercised in our discourse. In general, it seems like we behave like spoiled children, from the lowliest members of society to the President of the United States. What we need is a strong dose of wisdom from our leaders, not the attitude and behavior of a middle schooler.

Eugene Peterson describes wisdom in his book Earth and Altar. He writes, “The opposite of foolish in Scripture is wise. Wise refers to skill in living. It does not mean, primarily, the person who knows the right answers to things, but one who has developed the right responses (relationships) to persons, to God. The wise understand how the world works; know about patience and love, listening and grace, adoration and beauty; know that other people are awesome creatures to be respected and befriended, especially the ones that I cannot get anything out of; know that the earth is a marvelously intricate gift to be cared for and enjoyed; know that God is an every-present center, a never-diminishing reality, an all-encompassing love; and know that there is not living being that does not reach out gladly and responsively to [God] and the nation/kingdom/community in which [God] has placed us.”

I long for the day when our society tires of our dysfunctional way of living and begins to exercise the patience, love, listening, grace, adoration, and respect to which Peterson refers. A day when people and relationships are nurtured and appreciated and our environment is cared for, protected, and enjoyed. We need to turn from our foolishness and begin exercising our wisdom.

A Cartoon Life

Tuesday 8/22/2017 5:37 AM

I had a number of dreams last night. In some of them I was teaching students in strange settings. One class met in a preschool classroom complete with small, undersized chairs. Another met in a hotel room located in one of the upper floors of a skyscraper in a large city. The elevators didn’t work so I had to climb many flights of stairs to get from my office to the classroom. After I got there I discovered I didn’t have a working whiteboard marker and had to get some from the division office, also located on one of the bottom floors. When I finally got back to the classroom my students were working together at tables, teaching the lesson to themselves and doing their homework. I walked around to answer questions but they had none. It seemed that I was totally unheard and unneeded. I woke to the strangest dream of all. I was in a barbershop getting my hair cut. The other people in the dream were cartoon characters, it was a silent dream, and the dream was in vivid color. The characters were extremely busy, running around the shop doing various tasks, and their mouths were moving as if they were talking but there was no sound whatsoever, either from their feet hitting the floor or from their conversation, and my hair was left uncut.

The last dream reminded me somewhat of modern western society. Everyone seems extremely busy, running from home, to work, to extracurricular activities, and then back home. They post pictures and comments about their busy lives on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and other social media, trying to impress others with their importance. The internet is full of websites containing conflicting viewpoints and conflicting facts, so much so that it is nearly impossible to sort out the truth from the lies. Political parties spin events and comments made by politicians to further their agendas, without regard to truth or accuracy. Groups of individuals meet to protest and counter-protestors also come to express their opinions and clash with one another, which often leads to violence. It seems the world is full of people running around with lives lived in full color for all to see, shouting vacuous words devoid of truth or accuracy. There seems to be a lot of hoopla and flapping of gums but little substance to bring about meaningful change.

My reading today included these words by Anthony of Souroszh from a pamphlet titled Meditations on a Theme. He writes, “… you choose your life, that is to say, you choose all the conditions of your life, when you choose the thoughts upon which you allow your mind to dwell. Thought is the real causative force in life, and there is no other. … This means that you cannot change your environment while leaving your mind unchanged, nor can you change your mind without your environment changing too. This then is the real key to life: if you change your mind your conditions must change too – your body must change, your daily work or other activities must change; your home must change; the color-tone of your whole life must change – for whether you be habitually happy and cheerful, or low-spirited and fearful, depends entirely on the quality of the mental food upon which you diet yourself. … We are transformed by the renewing of our minds.”

I do not want to be a cartoon character in the world, running about making a big commotion in full, living color, without having any impact on those around me. If Anthony of Souroszh is to be believed I need to change what I feed my mind in order to change my environment. The Bible gives instructions on how Christians should live in the latter part of Ephesians 4. Paul writes, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. … Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. … Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” It seems the teaching of Paul in Ephesians is the same as that of Anthony of Souroszh, if I change my mind it will affect the way I interact with others, which will change my environment. I need to heed the words of Philippians 4:8, “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Thinking differently and living differently will keep me from being cartoon-like in the world and will give real voice to my life, one that others can hear.

Me or Them?

Tuesday 8/8/2017 6:16 AM

I often pray that God would give me eyes to see the world the way he sees it. The result of that prayer is that I am more aware of the brokenness of our world and I look at people with more compassion that I did before. It’s easy to become judgmental and cynical if you have no empathy for others. In the book Living with Apocalypse, Tilden Edwards writes, “Spiritual awareness for Christians, at its fullest, means seeing life through God’s sound eye. We could use other senses to describe this awareness: hearing life through God’s ear, touching life through God’s strength, feeling life through God’s compassion. … Saint Paul called us to live in the mind of Christ so fully that we can say with him, ‘Not I, but Christ, lives in me.’ The ‘I’ that no longer lives then is the one that sees itself as an ultimately self-willed, self-centered being. The new ‘I’ is one that lives moment by moment in the awareness that we are an intimate and unique expression of God’s joy and compassion, living freely by grace, called to reverberate the joy and compassion, utterly interdependent with Creator and creation. The test of any spiritual discipline is whether or not it assists this deep awareness for us. Without spiritual discipline we become easier prey to the old ‘I’ that is full of possessiveness, fear, greed, anxiety, violence, indolence, untrustworthiness, willfulness, confusion, and all the other marks of life disconnected from our true being in God.”

When I look at the society in which I live I see many people who are possessive, fearful, greedy, anxious, violent, indolent, untrustworthy, willful, and confused. This is not surprising if Edwards is right about the way people live when they are disconnected from their true being in God. The most troubling to me is these are also the characteristics of those who make the strongest claim to being Christian. It seems impossible that those who are looking at others through the eyes of Christ would be so self-centered, concerned only for themselves without concern for others. As the broader Christian community we need to be more compassionate and less judgmental. This, of course, must begin with me.

Contentment in My Work

Thursday 7/27/2017 7:11 AM

I have always enjoyed my work as a math teacher. I feel as if I were created for the job. Of course, as in any job, there are times when I become frustrated by the bureaucracy of education, but overall, it is a wonderful job. I am content in my work and, although retirement is inevitable, I am not longing for it.

Today I read a quote by Mother Teresa from her book Words to Love By that speaks of being content. “The work we do is only our love for Jesus in action. … If we pray the work … if we do it to Jesus, if we do it for Jesus, if we do it with Jesus … that’s what makes us content.” While I make no claim to have done this perfectly I have tried to see my work as something done for God. I am teaching people made in the image of God, who are children of God. If I can keep that in the forefront of my mind I am more likely to give my best, to work my hardest, to be more patient, and in the final say, be content in my work as a result.

Foggy Glasses

Thursday 7/13/2017 7:38 AM

I am sitting on the deck at Ryan and Kate’s house after having come back from my morning run. It rained during the night and this morning it was quite humid as I ran. I found it difficult to run and I stopped after three miles, hoping to cool down a little before I got back to their house. Currently I’m sweating profusely and when I put on my glasses to read my devotional material they fog up. The combination of heat and humidity cause my glasses to steam up, which inhibits my ability to see things clearly. The humidity and the temperature are supposed to go down over the course of the next couple of days. Hopefully my runs in the next couple of days will be more enjoyable and my glasses will remain clear allowing me to see clearly.

My reading today included an excerpt from To Walk Together Again, by Richard M. Gula. He writes, “When we begin to confine God to specifically religious areas of life, we are forced to turn away from the ordinary experiences of life in order to be touched by the gracious reality of God. Yet this is not the way it was for Jesus. The fundamental message of Jesus about God is that human life is the home of God. Do not look anywhere else.” One thing that has frustrated me over the past year or so is that I have little desire to maintain my daily routine of personal devotions. In the past, when I would go through a stage like this, God would speak to me through everyday things that occurred and passages of scripture would come to mind even though I wasn’t reading my Bible. Over the past year I feel as if God has been silent, not even speaking to me through my circumstances. It seems like my world is fogged over, similar to my glasses this morning, inhibiting my ability to see God or to hear his voice. I trust that as I move past the grief of losing my mom and the stress induced through other areas of my life I will again experience the reality of God’s presence in my everyday life as the fog that is currently inhibiting my view clears.

Abundance and Relationships

Wednesday 5/10/2017 5:20 AM

When I’m on my motorcycle I have an unhindered view of the world. All of my senses are bombarded as I ride along. I see the beauty of a cloud formation, the distant mountains, and a flowering plant in the median as I wait for a light to change. I feel the subtle changes in temperature as the wind blows across my face. I smell the pleasant fragrance of a bed of flowering jasmine or a street lined with jacarandas, which also overwhelm with their purple beauty. I smell the rancid odor of rotting road kill and the pungent odor of a skunk that had to protect itself.

Last night I was watching a television show about new, bizarre life forms that have been discovered by unmanned submarines plumbing the depths of the ocean. It seems the universe is a cornucopia of differing environments that are populated by a plethora of differing physical structures and life forms.

Yesterday I attended the funeral of Joe, a family friend. After the service family and friends gathered at their house to visit with one another, and to reminisce. Food that had been purchased and made by family and friends festooned the island in the kitchen and the dining room table. The food that was displayed mirrored the abundance that is found in the world, with a wide variety of colors, textures, and savory flavors. We sat at tables decorated with different kinds of flowers: daisies, mums, lilies, carnations, roses, snapdragons, etc., each with its unique shape, color, hue, and fragrance. White clouds floated across the deep blue sky as birds flitted among the trees. Different groups of people were sitting at each table aged from a few months to ninety plus years. Among them were musicians, engineers, nurses, pastors, factory workers, technicians, educators, businessmen and businesswomen, to name a few. Different personalities evidenced themselves as people interacted, some withdrawn, seeking quiet and solitude, while others moved from group to group like a honeybee visiting different flowers in its search for pollen and nectar. Each person there was unique. Each with his own set of circumstances, her own talents and abilities, and her own personality.

Today I read an excerpt from Earth and Altar, by Eugene Peterson, that reminded me of my experiences yesterday. He writes, “We do not begin life on our own. We do not finish it on our own. Life, especially when we experience by faith the complex interplay of creation and salvation, is not fashioned out of our own genetic lumber and cultural warehouses. It is not hammered together with the planks and nails of our thoughts and dreams, our feelings and fancies. We are not self-sufficient. We enter a world that is created by God, that already has a rich history and is crowded with committed participants – a world of animals and mountains, of politics and religion; a world where people build houses and raise children, where volcanoes erupt lava and rivers flow to the sea; a world in which, however carefully we observe and watch and study it, surprising things keep on taking place. We keep on being surprised because we are in on something beyond our management, something over our heads. In prayer we realize and practice our part in this intricate involvement with absolutely everything that is, no matter how remote it seems to us or how indifferent we are to it. This prayer is not an emotional or aesthetic sideline that we indulge in after our real work is done; it is the connective tissue of our far-flung existence. The world of creation interpenetrates the world of redemption. The world of redemption interpenetrates the world of creation. The extravagantly orchestrated skies and the exuberantly fashioned earth are not background to provide a little beauty on the periphery of the godlike ego; they are the large beauty in which we find our true home, room in which to live the cross and Christ expansively, openhearted in praise.”

I am not meant to walk through this world alone. God provides infinite stimuli to enrich my life: colors, textures, odors, and temperatures, each tickling one of my senses that are perfect for detecting the stimuli. People too, like the rest of creation, have a variety of personalities and abilities that enrich my life. I can live most fully when I engage with others in healthy relationships, bathing my life with the uniqueness each person has to offer.

Over the past months I have withdrawn from this lavish creation as I deal with the grief of my mom’s death. I’m quite certain that Joe’s family will experience many of the same feelings I have as the year progresses and they may also withdraw. Today I was assigned to read Jeremiah 31:11-14. Jeremiah is known as the weeping prophet but his message in chapter 31 is one of hope for those living in want and under oppression. “For the Lord will deliver (his people) and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they. They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion; they will rejoice in the bounty of the Lord – the grain, the new wine and the olive oil, the young of the flocks and herds. They will be like a well-watered garden, and they will sorrow no more. Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. I will satisfy the priests with abundance, and my people will be filled with my bounty, declares the Lord.”

Today, in the middle of my sadness and self-imposed withdrawal, God brings me hope that joy will return, and the bounty of his creation, animate and inanimate alike, will fill the void. I pray that Joe's family will also have glimpses of this hope and comfort as they meander through their grief.

God's Presence

Saturday 4/22/2017 5:29 AM

Over the course of the past year I have not had a very strong sense of God’s presence in my life. I know what I mean when I say that but to some it sounds like voodoo or some sort of religious mumbo jumbo. In the past I have sensed God’s direction as I go about living my life. When I pray about what I should do I get a feeling as to which way to go. I will have a person or a circumstance come to mind and will have an inner urging to write a note of encouragement to that person, or to give him a call, or to invite her to lunch or coffee. Lately I have not been spending the same amount of time in reading my Bible and in praying so I have not had the same kinds of experiences.

Today I read an excerpt from Radiance of the Inner Splendor, by Lloyd John Olgilvie in which he describes what he means by God dwelling within his people. “When we say that Christ pervades all the aspects of our human nature, it does not mean that he effects a takeover of our will. He did not do that before we became his children; he does not do it now. It does mean that when we set our hearts in the direction of what we know to be God’s heart in the matter – and begin to model our behavior in that direction – then Spirit within immediately reinforces our finite strength with infinite strength. The synthesis is so smooth, it is sometimes impossible to tell where our strength ends and his begins.” Maybe the reason I have different results is because I am no longer intentionally setting my heart in the direction of God’s heart, nor modeling my behavior in that direction. I need to make my time alone with God more of a priority.

Sing and Pray

Wednesday 4/12/2017 5:04 AM

I joined a local community chorale a few weeks ago. I have always enjoyed singing. It soothes my soul. There is something about music that reaches deep inside of me and touches me in ways that other things don’t. Saul, the first king of Israel, suffered bouts of depression. During those times he would have David play his harp for him to give him some relief. I joined the chorale for much the same reason, to help me deal with some of the sadness I have experienced over the past year.

Today I read a portion of Eugene Peterson’s book Earth and Altar that reminds me of this. He writes, “We are born into the web of relationships and continue in it throughout our lifetimes. But we often don’t feel like it. We feel isolated, cut off, fragmented, out of touch. We do not tolerate such isolation very well and move out to overcome it: we call up a neighbor, join a club, write a letter, get married. The disparate attempts accumulate. The self is less isolated. Society is less fragmented. The facts add up. But if we do not pray, they do not add up to enough: in prayer and only in prayer are we able to enter the complexity and depth of the dynamic and interrelated whole. A failure to pray is not a harmless omission; it is a positive violation of both the self and the society.”

Over the past year I have definitely felt isolated, cut off, fragmented, and out of touch. I have withdrawn from much of life, including my time of reading my Bible and meditating on God. I recognize that my isolation has caused me to suffer personally but I haven’t stopped to think about how my isolationism has affected others. In the past my time of meditation has often resulted in becoming aware of the pain and struggles of others. When that happens I often write them a note of encouragement and I spend time praying that God would ease their pain and provide some relief. This past year it seems the bulk of my thoughts and prayers have been self-centered, ignoring the pain of others or simply being ignorant or uninformed of their situations. I need to spend more time contemplating God and his desires for me instead of my own. Perhaps the music of his word and Spirit will soothe my soul in much the same way my singing in the chorale has given me some relief.

Faulty Logic

Friday 3/17/2017 5:31 AM

Being a mathematician I value logic and reason. In my world not much can beat a well thought out and well-reasoned argument. Elegant proofs of theorems are highly treasured and sought out. Principles like Ockham’s Razor are used to trim away excessive assumptions so an argument can be synthesized into its simplest form.

Sometimes I try to use logic and reason to try to convince others of the reality of God. Most of the time it falls on deaf ears and listener remains unmoved. Today I read a quote by John Wesley that reminds me of the futility of that kind of reasoning. He writes, “Permit me to add a few plain words to you likewise who overvalue reason. … Let reason do all that reason can; employ it as far as it will go. But, at the same time, acknowledge it is utterly incapable of giving either faith, hope or love, and, consequently of producing either real virtue or substantial happiness. Expect these from a higher source, even from the Father of the spirits of all flesh. Seek and receive them, not as your own acquisition, but as the gift of God.”

His writing reminds me of 1 Corinthians 1:21-25, “For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser that human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” I also thought of Hebrews 11:6, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Mankind’s most impressive minds and thought processes will not lead them to faith in God, sacrificial love for their fellow man, or hope for the future. These are all gifts from God and cannot be found through reason or logic alone.

Silhouette

Sunday 3/5/2017 6:22 AM

I slept a little later than usual this morning so when I ran the sky was lightening with the predawn glow of a new day. As I ran toward the east I noticed I could see the utility poles silhouetted against the lightening sky. Some of the poles had streetlights atop them. I could see the brown shades of the wood and other details on the poles with streetlights but even those without streetlights could be clearly recognized as utility poles. Once the sun rises all the poles can be seen clearly but even in the darkness, the poles without lights can be seen in silhouette.

I often pray that I would reflect the love of God to those with whom I have contact. My desire is that when people look at the details of my life, how I treat people, how I interact with my family, how I react toward those with whom I disagree, how I treat God’s creation, etc., they would see Christ. I want to reflect the love of God to the world.

When I feel estranged from God because of either willful disobedience or circumstances that cause me to doubt my faith, I become distraught that my witness to the world is compromised. God reassures me this morning that, when I am in Christ, my witness can still be seen in silhouette.

My reading today included the account of Jesus’ transfiguration. His clothes shone brightly and his disciples fell to the ground and covered their faces. Peter writes about this experience in 2 Peter 1:16-20. “For we did not follow cleverly devised stories when we told you about the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in power, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. He received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, ‘This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.’ We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain. We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.”

I am also an eyewitness to the majesty of God because I have seen how he has transformed my life. When I am in a dark place I do not need to fret about my witness to the world. The majesty of Christ is the background of my life and people will see me in silhouette, in spite of the darkness. I need to continue to pay attention to the reliable word of God, which is a light shining into my dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in my heart.

Great Things Become Nothing

Thursday 3/2/2017 4:30 AM

Lately everything seems overwhelming to me. Even something as simple as grading a set of quizzes or washing the dishes seems like too much. I no longer run consistently and my devotional life, that once seemed as if I were immersed in a rushing torrent of God’s love and presence, has dwindled to a mere trickle.

Part of the problem with ignoring my time of meditating on God is that I am no longer reminded of who God is and what he has done. My confidence in the ability of God to rule over his creation is replaced with a sense of dread that I am responsible for everything, but have no power to act. My assigned psalm for the week is Psalm 66, which contains many reminders of God’s power and greatness. “Come and see what God has done, … He turned the sea into dry land, … He rules forever by his power, his eyes watch the nations, … He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; … You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.”

At the moment I feel as if I have burdens on my back, that I am going through fire and water, and that my feet are slipping. It is good to be reminded of the fact that God will preserve me and eventually bring me to a place of abundance. I also read a portion of Love is for Living, by Carlo Carretto. His words provide a good perspective for me, and for anyone who feels overwhelmed by the enormity of the circumstances of life. “Everything disappears in comparison with the eternal God, and the greatest things become as nothing.” I pray for eyes to see and the ability to experience the truth of that statement.

God's Work and Mine

Tuesday 2/28/2017 4:36 AM

Over the course of the year I have felt somewhat overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I feel I have no energy to act on anything. In the past, I’ve thought about becoming involved in movements that seek justice for those who are oppressed by our current system of government. At church I feel as if we need to become more involved in reaching our community and I’ve tried to use my position on the council to bring about that kind of change. At school I’ve tried to get to know some of my colleagues and students on a more personal level to establish deeper relationships with them. All of these noble aims require time and energy, and I currently feel as if I lack the energy to invest.

I do not like feeling this way. I have always had something to do. Just sitting around doing nothing seems pointless. I met a friend last Friday for coffee and, among other things; we discussed my resignation from the church council. After I explained why I was doing it his first question was, “What are you going to do now?” He was simply giving voice to the voice I hear in my own head. Somehow doing nothing seems wrong.

I think I need to pray this prayer of John Baillie from A Diary of Private Prayer. “I am content, O Father, to leave my life in Thy hands, believing that the very hairs upon my head are numbered by Thee. I am content to give over my will to Thy control, believing that I can find in Thee a righteousness that I could never have won for myself. I am content to leave all my dear ones to Thy care, believing that Thy love for them is greater than my own. I am content to leave in Thy hands the causes of truth and of justice, and the coming of Thy Kingdom in the hearts of [people], believing that my ardor for them is but a feeble shadow of Thy purpose.” This prayer is a great reminder that my personal sanctification, the care and keeping of those I love, issues of truth and justice, and the coming of the Kingdom of God into this world are the responsibility and in the domain of God, not me. While God uses his people to bring about his will in this world he does not rely solely upon me to accomplish his work.

My assigned scripture for today included 1 Peter 1:22, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” The acknowledgement that God is the one who brings about changes in the world does not absolve me from all responsibility but it does allow me to focus upon what my true responsibility is, to love others deeply, from the heart. Lord, increase my capacity to love others and empower me to act when it is required.

Spiritual Apathy

Saturday 2/11/2017 6:54 AM

I would describe my spiritual life over the course of the past year as one of spiritual apathy. I have had isolated moments of spiritual insight or direction but, overall, I feel like I have been meandering through life with little desire, or energy, to spend time praying, reading my Bible, or contemplating God’s will for my life.

The theme from my devotional materials this week is Choose Life, a fitting challenge given my current demeanor, to simply survive life. Jesus said that he came so that we may have life to the full. I feel more like I’m living my life while running on empty, hoping to make it to the next refueling station without running out of gas.

Part of my reading today included an excerpt from A Cry for Mercy, by Henri Nouwen, in which he describes an experience he had of hearing God’s voice while worshiping with other believers. He writes, “And you also said, ‘Pray even when you do not feel attracted to it.’ Yes, Lord, I will try to pray, even when I am afraid to face you and myself, even when I keep falling asleep or feel as though I am going around in circles, even when it seems that nothing is happening. Yes, Lord, I will pray – not only with others, not only supported by the rhythms of the choir, but also alone with you. I will try not to be afraid. Lord, give me courage and strength. Let me see myself in the light of your mercy and choose you.” The challenge to pray even when I don’t feel attracted to it is convicting. The description he gives of falling asleep, feeling as though he is going in circles, and the belief that nothing is happening also resonates strongly with me. The need for courage and strength is also mine today.

Part of me feels like I simply need to ride out this storm of doubt with the knowledge that God is riding it with me. Another part of me feels like I have a choice to make, to be content with my spiritual apathy or to pray and seek after God even when I do not feel attracted to it. I’m not sure I have the strength to choose to seek God. The good news is when I am weak, God is strong, and he has promised to never leave nor forsake me. He will be with me either way.